|Yesterday’s Hurts in Today’s Relationships
by Lysa TerKeurst, from Embraced
|My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. — James 1:19
“We don’t need you there.”
A simple sentence. Five words. Five syllables. However, in my brain the interpretation of this sentence was anything but simple.
It unleashed a flood of uncertainty. My brain instantly fired off locator arrows that traveled to past rejections in my memory. Pulling past hurts into the current conversation. Suddenly, I wasn’t hearing “We don’t need you there.” I was hearing, “You aren’t wanted.”
Rejection always wants to steal the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.
The best of who I am was certainly not the one interpreting this comment.
The most hurt version of me took what was said and added pages of commentary. This additional dialogue highlighted my insecurities, brought to mind all the many reasons I was surely being excluded, and vilified the person who uttered those five words that started this whole thing.
Suddenly, this person was unsafe. She was insensitive. And worst of all, I pictured her rallying others to believe the worst about me as well. I blinked back my tears. I swallowed the long-winded speech I was dying to spew in retaliation to her hurtful proclamation. And with a simple, “Okay,” I walked to my car. Later that night I retold the whole story to a member of my family.
With great emotion and lots of added commentary, I gave them the play-by-play. Finally, I paused long enough to catch my breath and fully expected them to jump right in with absolute support and an offer to rush to my defense.
Instead they said, “What else might she have meant by her statement? Is there any chance she didn’t intend to hurt you, but rather was just simply stating the fact that they had enough people participating and you didn’t have to feel the pressure to attend?”
I shot back, “Oh no, I’m telling you this was so much more than that.”
Right as I was about to unleash another dramatic retelling of the whole situation, they stopped me and said, “Just make sure you aren’t holding her accountable for words she never said. She didn’t say you weren’t wanted. She didn’t say you weren’t capable. She didn’t say others were thinking the same way as her. She simply said they didn’t need you there.”
After stewing for a while, I dared to consider what my family member had said. I called the gal and asked a few questions. And in the end, I realized there was absolutely no agenda behind her statement at all.
In fact, she thought she was doing me a favor by assuring me that I wasn’t needed so that I wouldn’t feel pressure to be gone from home during that very busy season.
This situation happened eight years ago, but I think about it often. It taught me three perspectives that I don’t want to forget:
1. When I’m tired or stressed, I’m likely to interpret interactions way more emotionally than I should. Therefore, I should wait to respond to others until I’ve had a chance to rest and de-stress. A depleted girl can quickly become a defeated girl when she lets emotions dictate her reactions.
That’s one of the reasons I love today’s key verse and the way it interrupts me:
2. Believe the best before assuming the worst. Even if they didn’t have my best interest in mind, they probably didn’t have the worst intentions either. Regardless, being positive will keep me in a much better place.
3. Clarify. Clarify. Clarify. When in doubt, I should ask them to help me understand what they truly meant. And when I clarify, I must recognize and resist adding any additional commentary my past hurt might add to this situation.
Can you think of a time in your life when these perspectives might help? I certainly haven’t perfected making these perspectives the first thing I think of when I’m in an uncertain situation. But at least I do think of them. And that’s great progress, so feelings from yesterday’s hurts don’t take away from today’s relationships.
Excerpted with permission from Embraced by Lysa TerKeurst, copyright Lysa TerKeurst.
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Have you ever done that? Have you ever heard someone saying something they didn’t say because their words tapped into old hurts? Which of Lysa’s new perspectives is a word for you today? Come share with us. We want to hear from you! ~ Devotionals Daily