Updated: Mar 23, 2019
I wish I could make sense of it. I try to fight the bubbling anxiety rising in my chest, it slowly turns into a brick that gets heavier and heavier until I can’t breathe. I lose control, I lose my breath, I start to sweat and shake and before I know it, I’ve lost control completely. I wonder if I could stop it. If I just thought hard enough, if I focused really well, maybe I can will myself to stop. I’ve been too afraid to try. Too afraid that I can stop it if I wanted to, but that I don’t because I’m not strong. Or maybe I’m afraid that I make it all up in my head for some reason I don’t know yet. Afterwards, I breathe deeply. I dig my fingernails into my hands, I don’t even notice I do it until I see the marks later. I’m exhausted, I try to keep my eyes open to make sense of it.
Even In all this, there’s this sense of inner peace that remains the same, I can’t explain it. Even when I can’t control anything, in the middle of my 3rd panic attack in rural Africa , it’s like that little ball of peace deep inside me is what helps me stay above water. I know it’s the Holy Spirit, it lives in me. It runs through my veins and pumps the blood to my heart. And with it, the peace. It’s a comforting feeling, to know I’m never alone even in my own body. I often feel the need to apologize for making my body and mind such a messy place to live. Full of darkness so dark I can’t see my hand right in front of my face. Full of fear, fear that sometimes swallows me whole. Fear that I’m not as special as I thought I was, fear that I’m not even close to being worthy of representing the love of Jesus. Fear that I’ll die having spent my whole life waiting to start living.
But I’m sure Jesus would just chuckle and touch my blushing cheek if I apologized for the chaos that runs through my veins. He’d call me his daughter, his beloved. He’d list off all of the wonderful and special things about me that He knew about before I was even an idea in anyone’s mind. He’d stroke my hair and spin me around and probably tell me to stop taking myself so seriously. To stop doubting, to stop mocking and picking at his beautiful creation.
He’d probably remind me of how strong I am, how I sell myself short and how every little quirk and quality that I deem as a mistake was meticulously crafted by him before anyone knew I existed. He’d tell me he doesn’t make mistakes, he makes miracles.
Updated: Mar 23, 2019
Sometimes I’m terrified that the Lord is mad at me. That he’s punishing me or that I messed up and he’s about to punish me, or about to take something I love from me. I pray and beg him for forgiveness, even if I really don’t know what I did or if I really didn’t do anything! I just want to cover all my bases, make sure there’s nothing I didn’t repent for so I can get some blessings! So that the people who love me continue to love me, so that the things I have, remain mine, and my joy never flees.
I have this idea that constantly repenting and feeling guilting for things I genuinely don’t know or didn’t do, will help make all of those things happen. But then I stopped and thought. I took a look at myself, attempting to see myself the way God sees me (as if I could ever view myself or anyone with that much love and joy).
I tried to envision how he would feel if he were physically here as a person, as a father. If I were constantly running up to him apologizing, begging him not to take from me, begging him to love me and give me the things I love and need. I believe he’d think it was ridiculous. I believe he looks at my heart. When I mess up, what’s my heart doing? Did I intentionally hurt that person, or slip up? did I mean to break that promise, or whatever the situation may be.
The point is, God is not vindictive. He doesn’t want to take from us, he wants to give to us. He wants to love us unconditionally, and he does. We don’t have to earn his affection, or grovel constantly to keep it.
If my heart is seeking him, and pursuing him, then I have nothing to worry about. His mercies are endless. If I recognize when I do mess up, when I do sin, hurt someone, or hurt myself, and make it right with the Lord, he will forgive. And the crazy thing is, even if I didn’t make it right with the Lord, he will STILL forgive and STILL love!! Cause he loves us that much.I am his child, and he is pleased with me. (spread the word)